


Suite Life of Jughead

by Gaffsie



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017), Suite Life, Suite Life on Deck
Genre: Crack, Crossover, FP Jones II's A+ Parenting, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 18:34:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20012920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaffsie/pseuds/Gaffsie
Summary: FP Jones is a man with a plan. Jughead is along for the ride.





	Suite Life of Jughead

**Author's Note:**

> This is the dumbest thing I've ever written, but the idea has haunted me since I realized that Jughead and the Martin twins are supposed to be the same age. Now you get to suffer too.

You could have knocked her over with a feather when FP called her up out of the blue.

She's pretty sure that the last time she'd seen him was at her and Kurt's wedding. Her impression of him then had been of an attractive and charming man, in a slightly seedy way, but she'd heard Kurt's stories about him, so she'd been wary.

“I need a favour,” the FP of now said.

“Oh?” she asked, wondering how much money he wanted, and what he was gonna use it for.

“It's about my boy,” FP said, voice sounding more anguished than she'd ever thought possible coming from him, and that makes Carey take notice. She didn't even know he had kids, but she's a mother; she knows that tone of voice, recognizes the desperate kind of terror only your children can install in you.

So, she sits down, and she listens, and when FP tells her what he needs from her, she doesn't even hesitate.

***

Cody knows that something is up when their mom turns up at the boat out of the blue. She usually calls ahead.

She looks serious, which only increases his worry. Is someone sick? Is she sick? Is _he_ sick? Has she found out that he only got an A+++ on his last essay and has come to scold him?

She hugs him and Zack so hard he's half-afraid his lungs will pop, and then she looks them both in the eyes and tells them that she's got news.

Never a good sign.

She keeps wringing her hands, looking anxiously at the door.

“Your younger cousin is going to stay with you for a while,” she finally says, making Zack give her a puzzled look.

“What cousin?” he demands, which is fair, Cody thinks. As far as he knows, both their parents are only children.

“I never told you this, but your dad has a brother.”

“Why would you keep that a secret?” Cody asks her, furrowing his brow in thought. It makes no sense.

Casey bites her lip. “Let's just say he's got a bit of a past.”

“Dad's _not_ the deadbeat brother?” Zack pipes up, sounding as incredulous as Cody's ever heard him.

“Now, boys,” Carey says, trying to be patient, your dad might be a little flighty-”

“Like a bumblebee,” Cody mutters under his breath, but Carey just rolls her eyes, pretending that she didn't hear him.

“But FP is a different story. You know how your dad ended up in Disney jail for throwing a sno-cone at Mickey when we were in Orlando?”

Both boys nods. Best vacation _ever_.

“FP's done real hard time. He's in an actual gang.”

“Whoa,” Zack breathes, eyes big as saucers. “That's hardcore.”

“Yeah,” Carey says. “Incredibly so. He lives in Riverdale-”

“Riverdale?!” Cody exclaims, not able to hide his horror. “Isn't that the murder capital of America?”

“Yes,” Carey says. “It's a miracle your father ended up as well-adjusted as he did, considering.”

They all digest this for a while. Their dad, well-adjusted. Wow.

“Anyway, FP has a son, about a year younger than you, who needs to stay here for a while.”

“Why here?” Cody asks.

“Why now?” Zack asks, then adding, “I'm not going to spend my last year of High School looking after some twerpy little 16-year old. It will cramp my style!”

Carey looks around her, as if searching for spies, and then she leans in and almost whispers.

“Jughead is in serious trouble, boys. His dad didn't know what else to do. It will be your job to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Like try to escape.”

“Escape,” Cody says, rolling his eyes a little at her over-the-top dramatics. “Escape a boat that's currently hundreds of miles from land.”

“Why would he even want to do that?” Zack asks. “No offense, but Riverdale sounds like a drag.”

Carey grabs them both by the collar of their shirts. “Listen to me. I'm counting on you. This is a matter of life and death.”

“Fine,” they both scoff.

“We'll keep an eye on our lame little cousin,” Zack adds, rolling his eyes.

“Good,” Carey says. “I'm gonna hold you to that.”

There's a knock on the cabin door.

“That will be them!” Carey says. She glares at her sons. “Remember what I said,” she says, and then she pastes a fake-looking smile on her face and reaches for the handle.

There's a scruffy-looking man standing on the other side of the door, and someone loitering just behind him. FP and Jughead, Cody assumes. And, Jughead, what a name! Must be a real loser, he thinks, brightening up a little. Would be nice not being the biggest nerd onboard for once.

He guesses he can see a mild likeness to Kurt in FP. They're both dark-haired, he supposes. But FP looks a lot rougher, with stubble on his face, slicked back hair, and a scuffed-up leather jacket draped over his broad shoulders. He wonders who's the younger brother.

FP 's eyes widen slightly at the sight of him and his brother, and Cody raises an eyebrow in challenge. People always freak out about the twin thing, and it's getting old. Weird that his mom didn't tell him beforehand though.

There's something silver glinting at FP's wrist, and Cody is mystified when he realizes it's a handcuff. Did their uncle just escape from prison?

“You must be Zack and Cody,” FP says, sounding weirdly jovial for an escaped convict. He walks into the cabin, giving his wrist a determined pull. It causes the person standing behind him to stumble in after him, his wrist obviously attached to the other half of the handcuff.

And wow, this is weird.

This is very weird.

 _Extremely_ weird, even.

Cody can feel his eyes practically bugging out of his skull, and a glance at Zack confirms that his brother shares his shock.

This has to be Jughead. His dark hair is half-hidden under a strange crown-shaped beanie, but other than that he's wearing an almost identical outfit as his dad.

That's odd enough in itself, Cody supposes, but it's not what has him and Zack staring slack-jawed at their supposedly younger cousin.

That's the first thing. He's 16, but he looks older. The same height as him, Cody estimates, but... filled out somehow. Not at all like a kid who's still in the midst of puberty.

The second thing... Well. The second thing is the main thing, isn't it? Jughead looks so much like Zack and Cody that it's eerie. Slap a blonde wig on him and people would think they were triplets.

FP slaps the boy on the shoulder with his free hand. “This here is my boy, Jughead,” he says, sounding fond.

Jughead's scowl, which was impressive even to begin with, deepens.

“He almost got murdered by a mobster last year,” FP says, sounding a bit too relaxed for the occasion, “but we handled that.”

“But this time he pissed off _Gladys_ , and I'm not sure I can protect him from her.”

There's a sudden flash of some dark emotion in FP's eyes, and Zack asks, a little breathless sounding.”Who's Gladys?”

“The cancer that's slowly eating away at our fair town,” Jughead mutters, and FP grins and shakes him by the scruff of his neck, like he's a kitten and not a very pissed off (and pretentious) teenager.

“His mom,” FP says, rolling his eyes good-naturedly.

“Wow,” Zack says, wide-eyed now, “your mom must be even stricter about curfews than mine!”

Jughead stares him down, a contemptuous curl to his familiar mouth. “I blew up her drug lab and destroyed a warehouse full of her illegal fire-arms.”

“You sure did,” FP says, shaking him a little. “And you didn't tell me about any of it. Even though I had the Sheriff department at my disposal.”

“I just wanted to protect you,” Jughead says, sounding a little petulant now, less like an adult and more like the child he's supposed to be.

“I know, boy,” FP says. “But it's not your job to protect me.”

He waggles a finger in Jughead's face.

“And it's not your job to solve every mystery in Riverdale either.”

He turns back to Carey. “I was already considering sending him away once I figured out he spent more time solving crimes than he did in school, but this was the last straw.”

He looks around the room, and finding a sturdy looking pipe, he drags Jughead over to it. Jughead seems to know what he's up to because he struggles, dragging his feet and trying to overpower his dad.

Which is a lost cause, Cody thinks, because while he looks weirdly adult, FP is still bigger than he is.

“There,” FP says, sounding satisfied, as he manages to cuff his struggling son to the pipe.

“Who's the responsible twin?” FP asks.

“Cody,” both his mom and Zack says. Zack even goes so far as to point at him.

“Great,” FP says, and lobs the handcuff key to him. Cody fumbles with it, and ends up dropping it on the floor. Red-faced and embarrassed, he has to bend down to pick it up.

“As you can see he's also the athletic one,” Zack quips.

“You can un-cuff him once we're off,” FP explains. But don't let him escape!”

“Kurt told me about this floating High School his boys were at, and I figured it was perfect. Jughead won't be distracted by Serpent business, or murder mysteries, and he won't be able to sneak out and put himself in harm's way. It'll give the rest of us a chance to take down Gladys without worrying about him.”

Jughead shoots his father a baleful glance. “Betty won't let you get away with this,” he hisses at him, rattling the handcuff in agitation.

“Is Betty also a crime-lord?” Cody asks, chills running down his spine. What kind of mess has his mom gotten him into?

“She's my girlfriend,” Jughead says.


End file.
